The Lootmagnet
by gfaerie
Summary: An in game representation of what was without doubt a common occurrence at Diablo 2 LAN parties back in the day.


The necromancer summoned his vile ancients magics, all the way from his toes and unleashed them across the battlefield. All around him corpses exploded in a grotesque display of gore and the remaining monster fell before his onslaught. The few survivors were swallowed up by a wave of skeleton that chopped the demons into mince meat. In the corner of his eye the necromancer watched the leader of the fiends fall, an exquisite magical wand falling from his dead fingers as he did so.

"We are victorious!" his paladin companion exclaimed. "Praise Zakarum!"

The necromancer surged ahead, eager to get his hands on the magic wand to expand his already sizable powers. In anticipation he rummaged through the fleshy ruins of the fallen daemons. But he found nothing.

"Curses! Where is it?" he threw his arms in the air. Around him his skeleton minions cried spectral tears at their master anguish.

"Ever onwards my brave companion!" the paladin exclaimed from further up ahead. "Forward to new adventures!" He smiled a brilliant white smile as he adjusted the huge sack thrown across his shoulder. The necromancer narrowed his eyes.

"You didn't happen to see a magic wand drop right here? Just about where you were fighting but a minute ago?"

"A magic wand? Nope. No such thing! Now fellow adventurer, let us..."

"Really? I could swear it fell just at your feet..."

"My dear and close friend. I can assure you from the bottom of my heart that I had never laid my eyes on any golden magic wand." The paladin still smiled what he undoubtedly considered a winning and honest smile. Frowning the necromancer got to his feet and started walking across the battlefield towards his companion.

"I don't think I mentioned that is was of a golden color"

"Oh! You didn't? Uhmm...but those are the best right?"

"Yes they are indeed"

"Ah...Yes...Naturally given your sophisticated taste I assumed you would not bother with anything less!"

"Of course." The necromancer responded smoothly. "And you are absolutely sure you didn't pick it up by mistake? Happens to the best of us you know. Easy mistake to make."

A single pearl of sweat fell from the paladins open helm onto his face. "Absolutely not. We paladins are strictly forbidden to touch such arcane relics. A hearty shield and a good blade are my best friends. Yes sir! Except for you ofcourse!"

"Then as your _best friend_ I am sure you would not mind if I took a quick peek inside your loot sack. Just to make sure." The necromancer answered the paladins with a grim grin of his own. His companion's visage took a slightly strained look. The skeletons started to surround the lonely paladin.

"I am shocked! No I am more than shocked! I am holy shocked!" the paladin exclaimed theatrically. "Are you implying that little old me, the epitome of honesty and purity would lie to dear friend and debase my holy vows out of simple greed!?" The skeletons had not almost completely surrounded the paladin.

"Hey guys! What are you doing? Can we get going? Demons to slay? World to save? Ring any bells?" called a annoyed voice from up the trail.

"He won't allow me to look at his sack!" The necromancer called back in a surly voice. With a crack like a whip a beautiful sorceresses manifested from thin air. She looked pissed.

"Can't really blame him. Aren't such activities usually best reserved for the privacy of the bedroom?" the sorceress responded with a raised eyebrow. "Congratulations to both of you I guess. You make a cute couple."

The already pale necromancer turned whiter than fresh snow. "It's not like that! He got something in there that I need to check right now!" he sputtered back and pointed towards the paladin who quickly hid his loot bag behind his back.

"Thank you very much! I did not need to know the details! Yikes!" the young sorceress exclaimed loudly, blushing slightly.

"But it is my wand!" The necromancer roared in sheer frustration.

"So that's what you kids call it these days. Look. I don't know about you men but just because you two are...intimate doesn't mean you own his...private parts." The sorceress tried in a consoling voice but quickly backed off when she caught the necromancers facial expression.

"Not judging or anything! To each his own. Just, you know, could you keep it under wraps until the world is no longer in danger perhaps?"

At this point steam was rising from the necromancer's ears.

"While you two sorts this out, I suddenly feel nature's call something urgent" the paladin stuttered, drawing forth a small scroll.

"Now don't worry about me. I will just step out of the party for a tinsy winsy bit. So that I won't bother you of course! You go on without me! I will catch up" And with a couple of arcane words a giant blue portal opened up and the paladin stepped through it.

"Son of a..." screamed the necromancer and threw himself after the paladin. But he hit the blue surface nose first and slid dazed down the shiny surface. In rage he hammered his fists against the gateway but it would not let him pass, only allowing passage for party members. More profanities and extreme blasphemies escaped from his mouth, in languages both old and new. So many that the sorceress had to shield her delicate ears. With a roar the necromancer gathered his minions and ran as fast as he could towards the nearest waypoint. The sorceresses sighed and shook her head. Her pretty face scrunched up as she rubbed her forehead. A headache started to manifest behind her ebony locks.

"Not again..."

Meanwhile stumbling out of the town portal the paladin fell head first into the dirt of the rogue encampment. Salvaging what was left of his dignity he once again put on his winning smile. With brisk steps he headed towards the outskirt of the encampment, past the eyes of the glaring rogues. Towards the one person he could trust to always take treasures of his hand. No questions asked.

"Hail Gheed! Do I have something special for you today!" From within his loot bag the paladin procured a shining golden bone wand. It looked very much like the wand the necromancer had described earlier. But I can assure any readers that this must of course be a rare coincidence.

Gheed rubbed his hands together and looked at the wand with a sad expression.

"Alas my friend there is no much of a demand for bone wands in these parts."

"Just wait to I get my hands on you!" came a blood curling roar from beyond the town waypoint. The paladin swallowed hard.

"Come on you have to be able to give me something" he almost cried in despair, staring frantically at the waypoint behind him.

"I guess that for old times sake I could offer you 500 gold pieces?"

"500! It is worth much more than that!"

"I am afraid it is a buyer's market for these kind of items" Gheed shook his head and furled his eyebrows in his most sympathetic expression. Behind them both skeleton were teleporting into town around the waypoint.

"Ok! Ok! Just give me the 500 gold!"

"With pleasure" Gheed quickly shifted the bone wand for a small bag of coins. The paladin took the gold and dived for his town portal just as his old party comrade appeared at the waypoint.

"I am going to kill you! And raise you as a skeleton mage! You will doomed into eternity of worthlessness!" The necromancer pointed a crooked finger towards the paladin.

"Get him!" The skeletons rushed forward weapons raised. The paladin dived head forward and just managed to enter the portal and the first skeleton swinged a heavy axe at his head. The necromancer uttered many curses and ancient horrible wow that are far too dangerous to be printed here. Having missed his prey he look around. And his eyes fell upon Gheed polishing his newest purchase. He ran up to the merchant with a wild look on his face.

"That's it! That's my wand!" The necromancer swiped for the wand but Gheed quickly wintdrew his hand.

"I must protest. I just aquired it fair and square from a customer. Now if you are interested in a purchase..."

"You just bought it from that thieving paladin! Who stole it from me!"

"I am afraid I can not disclose the identity of my customers. It is a sacred bond in trade that I would never dream of breaking." Gheed proclaimed proudly and with the necromancer suspected was not quite genuine offense. The necromancer's posture slumber, sighed heavily and plucked out his money purse. Around him all of his skeletons slumped in unison as if a dozen undead puppies had just been exorcised.

"What will it cost me?"

"I think i can part with it for the reasonable price of 50000 gold coins"

"50000!? That is highway robbery! That wand should be mine!" Blue flames licked the necromancers hair as if to highlight his outrage.

Gheed smiled. "I am afraid it is a seller's market for these kind of items, my friend..."

 **The end**


End file.
